Ella has been back in school for several days now, and each day she has come home and said that school was "fun". Early this morning, however, reality crashed into exhaustion and she made it clear that she had other plans for today. And guess what? She didn't think today needed to include her teachers.
I remember those back to school feelings. I remember by the fourth day I was on my last "new" shirt, and having tennis shoes that once glowed so brightly in their newness now looked dingy and tired.
Sometimes that's how life can feel, too, when the newness wears off: dingy and tired.
I recently
blogged that I wasn't happy with my story, and many of you have asked me how I'm doing with that.
The answer to that question is, "I don't totally know."
What I do know is that I am trying to connect with people who mean a lot to me.
I had a big, I mean
huge, revelation about my story since I wrote about it.
I have cut parts of myself off from friends who love me because I didn't like the story I was writing with my life. When someone like me doesn't like their story, they have a tendency to not talk about their life. In the process, they also don't ask about other people's lives. Not because they don't want to hear about their friends' lives (they truly want their friends to share everything about their lives).
Instead of having a healthy conversation, you quit asking friends questions so that they won't ask you in return. You care from a distance, you pray for them, and you make yourself believe you are as good of friends as you've ever been. There's got to be some sort of psychological diagnosis for this kind of pattern, but I don't know it. I just know that it had become a part of my story. And it was one that was unhealthy and hurtful.
It was hurtful to them and to me. Thankfully, I have some amazing people in my life who really do love me, and want to be a part of the entire story.
I am guessing some of you feel like there are times you don't feel like you have anything to contribute to the conversation, and maybe even fear being asked. For my story to get better I've realized that I need people more than I thought I did. It's time to ask questions, and listen for the answers, and then ask more questions. It's time to share my story, and not hold back.
You see, I'm not just talking about sharing the hard stuff. We all have plenty of hard stuff that needs to be shared, but I need to get better about sharing the good stuff, too. Somewhere in the back of my mind I hear,
"They don't need to know that. Will they think I am talking about myself too much? I can tell them that in a few months...after it's happened, or maybe I can just blog about it and be done with it? Braggart! Braggy-bragger!"
Sharing details about the good is just as important as sharing our losses. I love to hear about the victories that are taking place in my friends' lives. When they get to send their kids to Grandma's, get a new job, and receive the perfect compliment, I want to be the one that is cheering the loudest. And when their lives are hard and their exhaustion crashes into reality, I want to be the one they send the SOS out to. I am learning that good stories have to contain both of those elements. The truth of our stories are made to be shouldered and shared. Doesn't that sound better than living it all alone? I am learning, and I'm liking it.
-----------------------------------------------------
The pictures in this post are mostly from Ella's first day of school and my Back to School Coffee that took place last Friday. I added a few of Talia getting ready for her first day of school too, which sadly for her, doesn't start until next Wednesday.